Lunch Matters

When last we left our valiant hero he had just attempted something marvelous: the simultaneous frying of four sorts of chicken, divided into four groups and categorized scientifically. We return now, to watch as he announces the results of his mad experiment, hot oil on his face and grease still streaming from his maw.

So, where were we? That’s right. Chicken.

Groups 1 & 2 were the least interesting. (They weren’t any less moist than 3 & 4, though, which suggests that a salt brine is a waste of time.) Of course, the control is supposed to be dull, but I was disappointed by Group 2’s abject failure. Soaking in Red Hot added no spice, and the wetness of the chicken meant that most of the breading flaked off in the hot oil, wasting the chicken’s skin and marring my beautiful, pristine grease. At only a few hundred Scoville units, Frank’s—which I was using as a substitute for Crystal—is as spicy as a pimiento.

Group 3 was the most surprising. There’s something savage about adding all of the seasoning after cooking has finished. There’s no heat—or even salt!—underneath the skin, making it possible to tear off all the spice in a single bite. But this method did have a few unforeseen advantages. First of all, it’s fucking spicy—hot enough that one bite of skin will have you tasting spice the whole way through—and the flavor mixture of cayenne and lard is surprisingly engaging. Also, the hot paste is liquid enough that it transfers onto the bread beneath the chicken, allowing for the flavored Wonder bread which is such a crucial part of the dish. So it looks like hot chicken and it tastes like hot chicken (hurts like it, too!), but the last method just seems more honest.

Spiciness aside, Group 4 was the best seasoned and the most carefully fried; the only problem is that I didn’t use enough cayenne. I think this method has potential. (Mom was, as always, right.)

Next time I do this I’m going to cook half control (not all my friends like heat) and half Group 4, increasing the amount of cayenne with each few pieces I drop in to try to triangulate the ideal flour/pepper ratio. I might also fix a little of that paste as a kind of heat safety-net, which ensures that any potentially pain-free piece of meat can be doctored if wished. That next test will have to wait a couple of weeks, unfortunately. Besides what I ate, I inhaled so much grease last night that I can feel it lining the inside of my nose.