Insomnia Over Medium

Asked to describe my current state of consciousness, I would need one word only.

Loathsome.

I came to wakefulness with a start at around 5:30 AM—two hours ago—in a fevered state apparently brought on by unremembered unpleasant dreams. It was a relief to berobe myself, drink a glass of water, and pad to and from the bathroom. But when my head again touched pillow I was best by the thousand niggling tasks which are the treasured prize of any modern city dweller. They were not simple worries, either. Nothing in the way of, “I must clean the kitchen,” or “I must remember to deal with my laundry” (although on thinking those things, I must remember to add them to the pile), no. My brain was galloping across a dry barren steppe of irritation and anxiety, looking for every possible detail with which to confound its owner.

Highlights included:

• Fear of joblessness
• Fear of homelessness
• Fear of hairlessness
• Fear of drought

And a thousand other nodes of annoyance so precise, so unimportant, that I struggle to recall them.

After an hour reading and another hour thrashing—to the great delight of the warm, sleepy lady who is so kind as to put up with my long Sunday nights—I realized this half-madness was probably due less to innate personal defects (which are, in the cool light of morning, impossible) than to the shambles my diet has fallen into of late.

It’s something of a negative feedback loop. I am too busy to eat well, and so I eat poorly. When the time comes to sit down and work, I feel lousy, and am ineffective. A good meal would set me right again, but I am too busy to eat well. And so on.

I would have gotten out of bed sooner had I not been afraid of confronting my cupboard. In the last weeks I’ve been too lazy to go to the grocery store, and have run out of bread, meat, cheese, cereal and soup. I’m nearly out of coffee. Lying there, head digging into the pillow, I carried out a mental inventory, and found I owned the following:

• 1/2 cup oatmeal
• 1 egg

And so I turned it into breakfast. Quaker Oats with an over medium egg on top, and my stomach has been set right. A little aspirin should see that my head follows. I’m hoping that this will be enough to keep me full for the rest of the week, but if that doesn’t happen I’m going to need to get my ass into gear. I’m going to need to go shopping.